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Louis Walsh to write a tell-all biography: we predict what secrets the star will expose

We reveal all the dark and terrible secrets the Tv star's been hiding all along

Louis's more then happy to make public all aspects of what's left of his private life
Louis’s more then happy to make public all aspects of (what’s left of) his private life

It has now been reported that Louis Walsh is to release an auto-biography, and in the typical style of the ever-so-blunt Tv personality, we suspect that the read will ruffle many  a celebrity feather and cause the reader to recoil in anticipated horror. Anything is probable with Louis!

Read on to discover what the star will (almost certainly) reveal;

Louis love, that polo neck is a bit of an obvious coverup
Louis love, that polo neck is a bit of an obvious coverup

1. Inked to the Max.

Louis is actually covered in small, detail-orientated tattoos. Bet you never saw that coming now, did ya? These include the, to be expected, dates his boybands came together and also, IN BOLD, the date they broke up. Sources tell us he has 55, all in top secret locations. The fact that 55 is also the age of mogul Simon Cowell is obviously just a coincidence though. Wait, I forgot, we don’t really believe in coincidences!

Can Johnny set hearts soaring again? Louis thinks so
Can Johnny set hearts soaring again? Louis thinks so

2. Relives Eurovision triumph.

Louis’s first signing was none other than Johnny Logan. Johnny went on to win the Eurovison Song Contest and make a whole lot of money for himself and for his manager. Everything that Louis has done since, every act he has signed, managed, advised, has never come close, in his mind, to Logan’s winning moment. In the book, he will discuss the concept of visualization and looking to the universe to manifest our dreams and desirers. Louis uses visualization boards in this way to allow the universe to make way for the second coming of The Johnny Logan. Oh yes, the Irish Elvis is making a serious comeback with a Kylie Minogue cover, we presume, and our fave (Irish) judge on the X Factor is on the case.

That is the pose of a champion haggis hurler right there!
That is the pose of a champion haggis hurler right there!

3. His obsession with Haggis Hurling.

The truth of the matter is Louis’s greatest love is Haggis Hurling. Louis first heard of the Scottish sport back in 1996 and is now secretly a pro at it. Really it was the ‘hurling’ part that first caught his patriotic attention and he’s since discovered that the stomach throwing activity is art in its highest form.

Louis reckons he could teach Beyonce a thing or two about the stool prop...because she's clearly misusing it as it is
Louis reckons he could teach Beyonce a thing or two about the stool prop…because she’s clearly misusing it as it is

4. He wants to manage Beyonce.

Louis’s resume does not, I repeat, DOES NOT speak much of female musician success (eh-hum Girls Aloud, Bellefire) but he puts that down to the individual acts and not him. However he reckons Beyonce and he would be the best of business pals if given the chance and that he has a good idea of the articulate sound that is: Queen Bey. Mainly, he would like to introduce the multi-platinum record artist to the ol’ stool and ‘snatch n grab’.

With pop star and future Irish president Nialler! He's the best hope we've got
With pop star and future Irish president Nialler! He’s the best hope we’ve got

5. Planning to make Niall Horan the next President of Ireland.

Louis’s love affair with One Direction’s Irish member continues to flourish and the judge plans to cash in on Niall’s pop power. So much so that Louis thinks Niall has it in him to go all the way to the top of the political system – mostly based on his extreme Irishness rather than having any opinion on advocacy or government. Sure, that’s all we need.

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