Having a sex life you’re content with is important. Whether that’s jumping between the sheets every other week, or reserving some time for intimacy every now and again, being happy with the amount of sex you’re having is crucial.
Sometimes, however, it’s not quite as simple as just ‘wanting it.’ As we get older and our bodies change, our sex drives can change too. And as women, we can often bear the brunt of these changes, not fully understanding why they’re happening, or what we can do to get back on track.
We caught up with Dr Samantha Wild, Bupa UK’s Women’s Health Clinical Lead and GP, to find out everything worth knowing about our changing libidos.
Why?
According to research by The British Menopause Society, over a third of women report that their sex drive reduced when they reached menopause, but fewer than a third sought help.
Dr Samantha says that everyone’s body is different, and that there’s no specific amount of sex you should be having. It’s also normal for your libido to change over time. Some of the reasons for this include going through the menopause and perimenopause, anxiety and stress, low self esteem, and relationship issues.
Getting back on track
The most important thing to remember is to look after yourself, and to communicate as much as possible. “Reduce the pressure on yourself and your partner by slowly increasing your forms of intimacy – especially if it’s been a while,” says Dr Samantha. “Holding hands, kissing, or giving each other a massage without the expectation it’ll lead to sex can all be great ways to build up your confidence and take things at a pace that suits you.”
If stress or anxiety is contributing to intimacy issues, do simple things you enjoy outside of the bedroom. Get stuck into a book, take yourself for a nice meal, or treat yourself to a relaxing bath. Get someone else to mind the kids, and take some time for yourself. “It can be tempting to self-medicate with things like alcohol, smoking or comfort food, but these can deplete your libido further over time,” says Dr Samantha. “Along with eating, exercising, and sleeping well, it’s also important to take time to relax.”
There are medications you can use for menopause symptoms that can alleviate things that might make sex uncomfortable, like vaginal dryness, painful joints, and sweating at night. “These symptoms may cause a natural reduction in your libido, but it doesn’t mean sex has to stop completely.” Make sure to talk to a medical professional before starting any medication, or if your anxiety levels become unmanageable.
Communication is key
As always, being open and honest about your sex life with your partner is crucial… though this can be difficult if you’ve never done it before. Sharing your experiences is important, but you also need to be sensitive. “Avoid using negative phrases like ‘you never’ or ‘you don’t’, as this may make them defensive and less likely to engage with you,” says Dr Samantha. “For healthier communication, try to instead talk about the ways that your sex life worked well in the past, with phrases like: ‘I used to like it when…’”
It’s also important to make time together to do things beyond sex, like going on dates, making dinner together, and of course, talking. “These special times can help you to reconnect and spend less time focussing on life’s stresses,” she says. “If your libido and sex life doesn’t see improvements, you could always try reaching out to a sex therapist or relationship counsellor to help you talk through your circumstances.”