Psychotherapist, wellbeing expert and training consultant Michaela Brady writes about the realities of living with grief and loss..
Maybe it’s an age thing, or the aftermath of Covid, but I am meeting so many who are struggling with grief. Having recently buried my own father and survived some other significant endings, I have realised navigating loss is multilayered and messy. I can relate to actress Jennifer Aniston when describing the impact of her friend Matthew Perry’s death as, “A deep cut, an insane wave of emotions and a rollercoaster of laughter and tears”.
Although grieving is a universal experience, it can be both a unique and lonely one, as unless others have taken the trip they won’t, nor can they be expected to truly get it. I agree with actor John Travolta when discussing the impact of his wife passing as, “something deeply personal, your grief is di erent from another’s.”
Actress Regina King was also spot on when reflecting on the loss of her son and realising, “Grief is a journey, it is love that has no place to go.”
The road to recovery isn’t linear either, it’s a trip with many twists and turns and trying to take detours only causes delays. As a psychotherapist, I feel both humbled and privileged to have accompanied some of my wonderful clients along theirs. My eyes water, as I recall one who stated through her sobs, “I’m drowning in the depths of despair and I don’t know how to swim”.
My heart sank for her, as I too had felt that. Slowly through tears, talking and time, she began to float on the waves of heartache, until she could eventually swim again. I’d like to think I played a part in helping her and I wish to share some insights in the hope that I can be of benefit to someone who might be hurting right now. I have called this article ‘living with grief and loss,’ because there are some pains we don’t fully move on from. Rather, we learn to move on with and as we do, we can discover a resolve and resilience we never thought possible.
To facilitate this, I would like to introduce you to a model I have created called the CARE Model. This is my attempt to bring some semblance of structure and clarity to a time that can be truly confusing, overwhelming and unpredictable. The acronym refers to identifying the causes of grief, awareness of the effects, reviewing responses and establishing self-care responses. So let’s begin.
Causes of Grief (C)
The most commonly known cause of grief is the passing of a loved one; however according to David Kessler, a world renowned expert in this area, “Grief is a natural and complex response to a significant change involving the loss of someone or something important”. is can relate to the end of life, a relationship, a terminal illness, or any unwanted shift in life circumstance.
Whether the change explodes abruptly or implodes gradually, the process of adapting, adjusting and accepting takes time. As a therapist, all I can do to initially support my clients once we have explored the causes is to provide a safe space for them to express their experience.
To reminisce, review or even recoil, before realising they are having normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. As the title of my CARE Model suggests, I help them to cultivate kindness, compassion and patience while exploring the effects of their loss.
Awareness of the effects (A)
To help build awareness of the effects, I normally introduce the 5 stages of grief, as pioneered by Swiss American Psychiatrist Elisabeth–Kubler Ross. The initial phase is the Denial Stage. My clients have commented, “I can’t believe it, it doesn’t feel real”. This is true, they literally can’t wrap their heads around the devastating reality of their loss.
This is a necessary stage, as it serves as a powerful protector against an overwhelming pain that might otherwise suffocate if fully felt. To echo Elisabeth Kubler Ross, “There is grace in denial. It’s nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle”.
Slowly, as reality is realised, anger arises over the injustice of the loss and may be accompanied by guilt and shame spirals. This is followed by the bargaining phase, which is an attempt to make amends with the self, or a higher power to alter reality. There will be thoughts of, “If only”, “I wish”, or “Why” combined with feelings of regret, rumination and reviewing of memorabilia.
The depression phase is characterised by a deep sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, apathy, withdrawal, chronic fatigue, changes in sleeping and eating patterns and lower immune functioning. The final stage of acceptance is acknowledging the finality of the loss and focusing on a new future. As earlier mentioned, the journey isn’t linear. To quote one of my clients, “It’s a roller coaster ride of back and forth with several loops thrown in!”
Reviewing Responses (R)
People will initially rally around with condolences, cooked food and comfort statements. Life for others then lives on and that’s when the real loss and loneliness can kick in.
When supporting my clients, I know I can’t fix, sort or solve their grief, but I can help them to track their stages and review if their responses are causing stagnancy.
Together we begin to explore strategies to self-soothe and self-care.
Establishing self-care responses (E)
The truth is, you will need different things at different times. I remember when processing my own grief, there were days I had to put the phone on silent while binge-watching Netflix. Other times I needed talks with my nearest and dearest. I also soothed with food, wine time, walks and music. I initially had no energy for exercise or hobbies, however as time ticked on, I found great benefit and release from yoga, deep breathing, dancing, crying and journaling.
One of my clients penned a book of poetry, which he confided provided profound processing and healing. Another one took up tango, saying “It gives me time o from thinking and tension”. My response was “Keep up the tango”. Another of my clients lifted weights daily. This created connections to a community, physical strength and a distraction from the intense emotions she wasn’t able to face at the time.
To summarise, self-care strategies are very individual. Asking what do I need? What soothes, relaxes and replenishes can help. Sometimes you won’t even know. The most important thing is to just be, breathe and practice self-kindness, especially through the tough trigger times. All the firrsts are the worst, anniversaries and occasions are heart wrenching. Always remind yourself that it’s ok to feel. Pain is painful, but if you are feeling you are healing.
As, once said, “The reality is you will grieve forever, you will not get over the loss of a loved one, you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself. You will be whole again but you will never be the same, nor should you want to be”. David Kesslers wise words also spring to mind, “You don’t have to experience grief, but you can only avoid it by avoiding love. Love and grief are inextricable intertwined”.
Michaela Brady is the CEO of Aspire Counselling and Consultancy, a psychotherapist, wellbeing expert and training consultant with over 20 years experience. aspirecounselling.com