Shielding children from death and the emotions that come with it is something all parents and guardians would like to do. With the grief process often confusing and upsetting for adults, the idea of a child experiencing these feelings can be very unsettling.
Alas, in the current climate with wars and violence seemingly popping up in the media daily it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide the realities of death from children.
Whether it is a close family member, a friend or a pet who has passed away it is important that children are made aware of the realities of death in a reassuring yet firm manner.
We spoke to Andrew Fitzpatrick, a psychotherapist with Access Counselling and he gave some insightful advice on how to speak about this sensitive subject with children of all ages.
Fitzpatrick begins by saying: “Explaining to a child can be one of the most challenging conversations for parents, caregivers or people in education to have.”
He notes that it is vital to avoid using terms like ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to sleep’ as these phrases can be confusing for children. He instead implores us to use phrases like ‘died’ and ‘dead’ to express the finality of death.
As an example, he says: “When someone dies their body stops working and they don’t come back.” This ensures the child is aware that the person who has passed will not be returning.
It may seem harsh to use such real phrases like this with children, but Fitzpatrick is reassuring in saying that: “Children appreciate honesty. It is more important to provide truthful answers to their questions.”
He goes on to say that “you don’t have to give all the details of someone’s death. It is to avoid making up things or avoiding the reality”.
When discussing a topic like this with children it is important to bear in mind the age and maturity of the child. Fitzpatrick reveals that even children as young as two have some understanding of death. An example phrase he uses to talk to younger children is: “When someone dies, they won’t come back but we can still remember and talk about them”.
He adds: “It is letting them know it is permanent but not going into so much detail that they won’t understand it.”
With older children from seven to 12 who may have a better understanding of the concept, Fitzpatrick says that they may have more questions. He mentions how “it is to be open to these questions and provide factual yet sensible explanations”.
When talking about death it is crucial to validate the feelings and emotions of the child. Fitzpatrick says it is important to “let the kids know it is okay to be sad, to be confused and to be angry or even not know what to feel”.
“You can explain that grief is a natural response. It’s a human response, and that it is ok to talk about how they feel. Reassure them it is not wrong to be sad and not wrong to be angry.”
Younger children may understand the concept of death, but it is essential to help them understand that death, although a natural part of life, won’t be a daily occurrence in their lives. Children’s brains are not as developed as us adults’. Fitzpatrick explains that when talking to children about bereavement caused by an illness it is important to differentiate between the types of illness.
“We have to be careful that we don’t give them anxiety, that when they do have a bug that they think ‘I’m going to die like granny’. It is being truthful with kids because they will understand it better. We don’t need to protect them from emotions because emotions are normal. Feeling the emotions and being able to process that is a healthy way to deal with it.”
Discussing death can be challenging for everyone involved, Fitzpatrick reminds readers to be mindful of their own emotions when informing children of a tragedy.
“Children are sensitive to the emotions of those around them. It is okay to show your sadness but stay calm and provide a supportive world for the child to express their feelings in a healthy way,” he explains.
To finish Andrew Fitzpatrick assures parents and guardians who may feel like they are a little out of their depth with the subject that it is okay to seek professional help. At the end of the day, it is ensuring you are safeguarding the feelings of yourself and the child and if seeking professional help is what is needed then that is perfectly okay too.