Yearning. That deep, intense longing for something, or someone, that you can’t easily have. All the pining, prolonged eye contact, unspoken words. The real devotion someone can have for another person. We eat it up every time we see it on TV, proven by the success of Bridgerton and, more recently, Heated Rivalry. So why are we so afraid to show it in real life?
We all want the fairytale love story, but how do we expect to get that when our main goal in any romantic interaction is to appear nonchalant and indifferent? We’re so afraid to show anyone how we really feel about them in case we come across as cringe or desperate, and even within romantic relationships, prioritising or showing devotion towards your partner might get you labelled a ‘simp’.
There’s an art to yearning, and it’s an art we’ve appreciated for centuries. From Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice all the way to The Summer I Turned Pretty, the way these love stories know exactly when to address the tension and when to hold back, dragging it out until the characters and viewers alike are going mad. We’ve managed to perfect the slow burn in media and literature, so why do we constantly fall short of the mark in our real lives?
Probably because of the absurd yet popular belief that putting on an indifferent and aloof front around the people we’re interested in will make us seem more attractive to them. It’s the lack of communication and transparency that’s praised today, the mysteriousness of it all.
Really, this is just a defence mechanism to protect ourselves from rejection or embarrassment. We can’t get rejected if we don’t put ourselves out there in the first place. Nobody can make us feel embarrassed about our emotions if we just don’t share them. This defense mechanism has only been promoted even further with the rise of ideas like ‘getting the ick.’ If you think your future soulmate is going to be totally put off by a meaningless action like bending down to tie your shoelace, you’re hardly going to let yourself be vulnerable around them any time soon.
Dating apps don’t exactly help either. We could easily swipe through hundreds of profiles a day, seeing them not as real people but as options. If someone we match with isn’t immediately giving us what we’re looking for in a relationship, or expects more from us than we’re willing to give, we can immediately abandon ship, knowing we have an endless sea of other options waiting for us. This routine doesn’t exactly foster a willingness to communicate with each other or get to know people on a deeper level, does it?
A lot of people genuinely aren’t looking for a committed relationship, and that’s perfectly ok. Everyone is different and will want different things out of love. But when it comes to serious relationships, our obsession with on-screen yearning men, dragged out slow burns and dramatic love confessions isn’t even remotely reflected in the way we act in real life. Everybody wants a love like that, but nobody seems to understand how much effort it takes to achieve.
Our favourite romantic men, such as Mr Darcy and Anthony Bridgerton might have piqued the curiosity of their women with their aloof and mysterious attitudes, but they also weren’t shy about letting those women know how hopelessly in love with them they were. If this nonchalant act ever does work in real life, it certainly doesn’t work alone. At some point, you need to let yourself be vulnerable.
Maybe it won’t end well for you the first few times. Maybe your openness and vulnerability will scare off people who aren’t ready for that stage yet, but it won’t scare off everyone, and by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest, you allow yourself to experience the full extent of love. Everyone knows that good communication is crucial to a healthy and sustainable relationship, but that doesn’t just entail talking it out when you’re not happy about something. Let your partner know when you are happy, tell them how much you love them as often as you can, even if you’re not sure what the outcome will be.
Of course, we’re not trying to encourage love-bombing or being overbearing. It’s equally important to respect someone’s boundaries as you build a relationship with them. However, if the only thing stopping you from confessing to someone, buying them flowers, or even just texting them to let them know you were thinking about them, is a fear of being cringe or giving them the ick, then that’s something you need to work on.
There’s nothing embarrassing about deeply loving someone and showing it, just like there’s nothing embarrassing about getting your heart broken or being turned down. Love is a high – risk – high – reward game, and the best rewards come to those who play with their whole heart. So don’t be afraid to yearn, loud and proud.